Good food and a getaway don’t.
A Companion’s Guide to a Cancer Diagnosis
Click the link above for a printable pdf file. All content is below as well.
A Companion’s Guide to a Cancer Diagnosis
So here you sit, with a call, text, or social media post and a person you care about on the other end of it. Turns out that lump, symptom, or gut feeling was correct. There is cancer in their body. That last sentence I worded intentionally. They don’t have cancer. It is just in their body. “Have” indicates possession or responsibility. No one grabbed hold of cancer to make it their own or decided it was something they wanted to take upon themselves.
So why drive this point home? There are numerous ways you can remove small points of tension from the life of your loved one, while simultaneously encouraging them. Picture it this way. They have an open wound and you can see a speck of dirt in it. The best course of action is not to stick your finger in there to dig it out. You may get the speck, but you could do other damage and introduce other germs in the process. Allow the following pages to season your words with grace and be the proverbial “peroxide soaking” to help with their healing process to get that spec out. Be the Companion they need.
A special note to the friends of those who have been diagnosed. Your friend is the exact same person. STOP ACTING WEIRD. You don’t need to avoid them, it's not contagious. You may think you are giving them space to process, but some instances of normalcy are going to be vital to their sanity. Hang out with them and start the night with this statement: “I’m not going to bring up your health stuff unless you do. Let’s have fun.”
The following guide is put together in order to help you do two things:
Say and do helpful things.
Avoid saying and doing harmful things.
We’ll start with a bit of the overview and background, but ultimately we will just walk through a list of “say this, not that” and the why behind each. I can almost guarantee that if you don’t read those pages, you will accidentally say one of the “NOT THIS” phrases. It is the most well-intentioned people who fail the most, because they are the most likely to actually try to say something helpful. So here is our plea to make sure it actually IS helpful.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to try to describe what color is to a person who is blind? The best you can do is use the other senses as descriptors. Red is hot. Blue is cold. Green is alive. Dirt smells brown. But no matter how specific you get in your description, color won’t be fully understood. The more you try to explain it, the more frustrated you become because it has to be experienced to fully understand. Now imagine the blind person turns and starts telling you how you could better explain and experience color.
One of the following statements will probably pop in your mind to say… don’t.
“Just stay positive”
That is easy for you to say… Here’s the thing, a positive attitude is a powerful thing, but must come from within.
“God will work this out for your good”
God does work out situations for the greater good, but it doesn’t mean you’ll get the outcome you want in any given situation.
“Have you thought about or looked into xyz treatment?”
Looking into possible treatments directly after a diagnosis is overwhelming. Your suggestion just adds to that stress (unless specifically asked).
I can almost guarantee each of those questions or statements make the person think “you just don’t know what it's like to be diagnosed.”
So what CAN you say? At first, not much. If you have already been doing life together with the newly diagnosed person, then your presence and attention carry great value. If you are not in regular contact with the person, then you REALLY need to wait to talk. I remember one of the most powerful moments for me was in the first month of my wife’s diagnosis, I looked outside and a woman from our church was walking back and forth on our street in front of our house praying over us. She never knocked or even told us she was coming. She came. She prayed. She went back home.
But what if you are not much of a spiritual type? Prayer might not be your forte, but there are many very practical and impactful actions you can take. Do their chores. Here is a good statement you can make “I’m coming to ________ (pull weeds, mow lawn, wash car) unless you tell me otherwise.”
Almost everyone who knows the person will say something to the effect of,
“Let me know how I can help.”
The problem is when a person is in the muck of a new diagnosis and life altering event, we legitimately don’t know how to answer that question. We haven’t gotten to the point of knowing what our capacity for tasks are yet. So for Elizabeth and I, when 12 people from our church showed up to weed our garden, weed whip the ditch, and clean up the landscaping, I wept. I didn’t know those tasks were looming over my head and I was so spent with processing my wife’s diagnosis that simple tasks felt like mountains. So pick a task you can do easily, with little to no need for questions and direction from the person, and do it.
Here are a few starter questions you can throw their way, but be ok with them not responding at all. DON’T BE OFFENDED.
“I’m coming to do _____, unless you tell me otherwise.”
“Would you prefer a Panera, Chipotle, or Starbucks gift card (or whatever you have locally)?”
“I’m making ________ for dinner. Would your family like that or is a gift card for a different day better?”
“I have these nights open in the next couple weeks to watch your kids. Does one work for you to get a night out with your spouse? If not, what is your Venmo so I can pay for a babysitter?”
The less actual thinking and decisions they have to make, the better. Give them less on their plate, not more. Ask yourself, “How much processing power will my interaction with them cause?” If the answer is anything other than “hardly none,” then rethink it.
Special note to our spiritual/Christian readers.
Remember all throughout the Gospels where Jesus asked questions to his disciples and they had dumb answers? I say this with all the love in my heart… you are likely much closer to a pre-resurrection, bull-headed Peter than not in how you throw Scripture at a situation like a cancer diagnosis. Peter was so eager to have and/or be the right answer when Jesus asked questions, that he more often than not put his foot in his mouth. Minister to people like Jesus did, with blessings, (pray for) healing, and forgiveness. Effective ministry to the hurting rarely involves a theological lesson.
James tells us properly in his epistle to, “be slow to speak.” In times of chaos and trial, the circle of people whose voices we want to hear is VERY small. Lobbing Bible verses to your loved one with a cancer diagnosis needs to be 100% encouraging and strengthening. Here is a good rule: start with a handwritten note about a scripture that has encouraged you in tough times. If it seems like too much work to write and send that letter, then the text or social media message to the person might not land well. Handwritten notes convey purpose and intention. Elizabeth and I have stacks of handwritten letters that we still cherish to this day.
Now that your wheels are turning about how to be the most helpful Companion possible to someone with a new cancer diagnosis, let’s start going through a list of great things to do and say.
What to say:
Nothing at first…just make your helpful presence known.
In time say:
“What is your least favorite household chore that I could do for you?”
“I’m sure you don’t feel it all the time, but I admire your strength as you navigate through this”
*Insert any cheesy jokes*
What to buy:
Gift cards (food, entertainment, massage, chiropractic, spa, etc…)
Puzzles, board games, or home entertainment
Video games/movies/new streaming subscription (pending on what they are into)
Plants/flowers that are hardy (having one more thing to care for could be burdensome)
Experiences (getaways, photo shoot before losing hair, museum/art exhibit tickets, concerts, comedy show, etc…)
Comfort items (massage tools, cozy blankets, home spa treatments, robes, slippers, eye masks, neck pillows, book lights)
House cleaning services, optimally those who use non-toxic products.
What to do:
Make/buy a meal.
Babysit their kids.
Wash their car.
Pull weeds/landscaping (with their permission. Some folks are very particular with how they want it done, so make sure you don’t accidentally frustrate them).
Special entertainment for their kids.
Depending on their capacity, join a league or regularly-planned fun. No cancer talk, just a good time that is something to regularly look forward to.
Be present.
Special Note about FOOD
Helping with food is a simple task that most people can do. Meal trains and gift cards for restaurants are always in style for those going through a medical emergency. For the first week or two after a diagnosis, the simple removal of a decision like what to make for dinner feels like taking off a wet coat: lighter. But the fact of the matter with cancer is that it is a marathon. Treatment often goes on for months, even years. Lasagna twice per week for months starts to taste like hospital food.
Pasta or a casserole is wonderful comfort food. Just remember that comfort food for long periods of time turns into an unhealthy body, and bodies that are unhealthy are not as effective at fighting a disease. The easiest way to make sure you are not only supplying comfort, but also nutrients, is to add a fruit and/or veggie tray. Even if half the tray spoils, just remember every bite of produce is a bullet shot at the disease.
Another place to help with food is by purchasing things that often feel like too much money and is spoiling yourself. Things like beef jerky, fancy granola/protein bars, cold pressed juice, or kombucha (if they are into that kind of thing). Most folks aren’t buying those things on the regular, so spoil them.
And finally, food allergies and preferences must be accounted for. So if you are set on using your amazing culinary skills to bless, ask these three questions:
“Are there any foods you and/or your family cannot have?”
“Are there any foods, flavors, or spices you do not like?”
“What have you had too much of already?”
Then before you make your final meal decision say, “I’d like to make ____, any objections on that from you or your family?” And don’t be offended if there is an objection or suggestion.